woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
