this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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