i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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