I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
