i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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