so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
