I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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