just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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