I cut my penus on the lid.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
