I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
