It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You took a bar mat shot.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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