you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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