In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
