I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
