I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
