I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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