grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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