Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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