My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I need a beard to bite.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
