No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
