ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
