i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
