I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I will die if light touches me.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
