Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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