I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
