if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
