i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
