i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
