I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
