When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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