??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
