Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
