His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
