Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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