as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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