If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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