apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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