Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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