Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
