If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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