There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
dude. I can hear the air.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
