Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
