Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
This baby is an asshole
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
