Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
