She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
