can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
