we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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