I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
