Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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