Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
